How to set boundaries with family members as a mom - tips, ideas and real-life examples for every day and holiday season
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In this post we will talk about what boundaries are and why you need them, how you identify yours and look through statements and examples that may help you get started on setting your own boundaries to become a confident, happy and relaxed (as much as possible) mom.
What are boundaries and why are they important?
The easiest way to understand boundaries is to think of them as invisible lines that determine what behavior is okay and acceptable in a relationship and what is not. There are many different kind of boundaries people set in their relationships with family, friends, co-workers and partners, but most common boundaries include: physical, emotional/psychological, verbal and financial. A physical boundary for example may determine who you are okay with hugging you, while a emotional/psychological boundary for example may need to be set to make sure people know it is not acceptable for you to have your feelings or beliefs made fun of.
Boundaries are important for any relationship. They help us build trust and respect in relationships, set clear expectations for others and most importantly are boundaries an essential part of self-care and self-respect. They honor our needs and often help us avoid a lot of stress, anxiety and even burn-out.
Setting boundaries as a mom
When becoming a mom setting boundaries can start to become especially hard. When I first became a mom people had so many opinions and advise. ‘You should put the baby down more, you’ll spoil them’; ‘Are you sure she is eating enough?’; ‘You should try xy and z’; ‘Just let her cry for a bit’.. They all surely meant well and had the best intentions! But it was never ending and it became very overwhelming very quickly. As a new mom I was in this vulnerable state, trying to figure out this new phase of life, learning how to care for a baby, navigating marriage as parents and with all those opinions being thrown at me I felt like I was drowning and just could not do it right. I had the hardest time speaking up and setting boundaries to protect myself. I eventually realized that this was my very own and unique parenting journey and that it was solely my husband’s and my decision how to care for and raise our child. So I gathered the courage and I began setting boundaries with the people around me and I started to feel so much more confident and comfortable in my new role as a mom.
Another challenge I face as a mom is that, on top of setting boundaries for myself, I am also trying to set boundaries for my children that are still too young to always do so themselves and/or making sure the kids know how to set their own boundaries for their well-being.
How to Start setting boundaries with family
When I am talking about family, I am including everyone you consider family. Parents, in-laws, uncles and aunts, cousins, sibling, close friends, whoever you are close with and see as your family. Of course these tips can also be applied to other relationships, for example with friends.
To be able to set boundaries you will have to figure out what your needs are. Self-awareness is a crucial part in this process. Think about what makes you uncomfortable or feel uneasy when you’re around family? What do you need to feel confident around them. For example, have you ever seen a family member tell your kid to come give them a hug or they’ll be sad? And that made you feel uncomfortable because it is not an acceptable way for you to initiate physical touch? And you wanted to say something but didn’t to avoid any drama? That would be a great situation to set a physical boundary for you and your child. Start thinking about what you need and maybe even write it down so you can revisit it later.
Once you determined your needs you will start to put those boundaries in place. It may take a while to be able to set a boundary with no guilt or shame and really internalize that you are allowed to say no without any explanations or regret. I found setting boundaries with family one of the hardest things after having children. It’s a process and takes some time and practice so give yourself grace and start small. Your family may be a bit surprised about you setting clear boundaries at first but just stand your ground and they will respect them. If they don’t, you may have to draw consequences. Also remember that boundaries are flexible and you may have different boundaries with different people, as each relationship is unique.
Setting boundaries during the Holidays
Setting boundaries for you and your children may be more important than ever during the holiday season. When thanksgiving and Christmas season rolls around people tend to spend more time around their extended family and often times family members have expectations of you and your family which can lead to a lot of stress, anxiety and overwhelm.
For example, you may find yourself expected to show up at multiple holiday gatherings, maybe your parents and in-laws invited you over for thanksgiving dinner at their separate homes at the same time and now you’re finding yourself stressed about how to fit everything into one day without rushing your kids all over town and possibly upsetting either family members? You think about kindly declining an invitation but feel guilty about it, so you end up doing it all and at the end of the day you are exhausted and weren’t able to really enjoy your holiday?!
I want you to know that no matter what family expects of you during the holidays, they are YOUR holidays too and you get to choose what YOU want to do for yourself and with your kids during the holiday season. You are more than allowed to say no without feeling guilty or selfish! Taking care of your well-being is never selfish.
Going back to the example above; if too many obligations during the holidays make you feel uneasy and take the joy out of the holidays chose what brings you, your partner and your kids the most joy and kindly decline any other invitations. Set a clear boundary: ‘I am so thankful you invited us for thanksgiving dinner, but we are already visiting someone else. We would love to see you on day xyz instead’. If family members get upset by your boundaries, that is not your issue, it is theirs to work through. Do not ever feel guilty for standing up for what is best for YOU!
Examples on how to set clear boundaries every day and during the holidays
Here are a few examples of statements you could use when setting boundaries with family. Of course you can chose to articulate your boundaries in whatever way works best for you. I, personally, like to use ‘I’ statements and a respectful and kind tone to make my needs known.
‘I appreciate your opinion and beliefs, but I do not share them.’
‘I am grateful that you want to get our children gifts. At this time we have more than we need, but you may choose to get them xyz or donate to their college fund’. (I like to make a wishlist for each kid on Amazon for everyone to chose from).
‘Commenting on my or my children’s weight/appearance is not appropriate and I need you to stop.’
‘I appreciate your concern, but we have decided to raise our kids differently’.
‘I understand your struggles and frustration, but I will not be participating in this argument/family gossip.’
‘I need my partner to be treated with respect, or we will chose to not come over anymore’.
‘We have decided to not discuss disciplining our children today’.
‘I am glad xyz worked for you when you had small children, but we are following a different approach.’
‘Thank you so much for inviting us to xyz. Unfortunately, we have other obligations already.’
‘I understand you wish for Christmas to be celebrated in xyz way, but we have chosen to set up our own family traditions.’
‘Commenting on my kids behavior in front of them is not acceptable, please refrain from doing so.’
‘In our family we do not ask our children to hug/kiss anyone, it is not acceptable for us. Please stop asking for physical touch.’
‘I understand you would like to spend more time with the kids/baby during the holidays, but it is not doable at the moment.’
‘I appreciate your advise, but I am not in need of any tips right now. I will let you know if there is anything you could help me with.’
‘We have set rules about sweet/candy consumption in our house and I need you to follow them and stop giving sweets to the kids, even during the holidays.’
‘I understand you would love for us to stay longer, but we are going to leave and take care of our baby’s needs.’
‘I am putting my families and my needs first and I am not going to feel guilty about it.’
‘My reasons are personal and I do not have to explain them any further.'
‘I can see that you’re worried, but I am grown up and capable of making my own decisions.’
Setting boundaries with people you love and care about is hard and it takes practice. I have been a mom for almost five years now and I am still working on setting boundaries without feeling guilty. So let’s use this holiday season together, to set boundaries with our families and have a great, memorable and fun season. Make YOUR needs known and prioritize yourself to be the best mom you can be. If you have any great tips or experience with setting boundaries as a mom let me know in the comments!
References
Forbes (2021): The Importance Of Setting Healthy Boundaries. Link: https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2021/07/01/the-importance-of-setting-healthy-boundaries/ (last visited: 09/07/2023).
Psychology Today (2015): 7 Tips to Create Healthy Boundaries with Others. Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others (last visited: 09/07/2023).
Stanford University - Student Affairs: How is Life Tree(ting) You?: Trust, Safety, and Respect - The Importance of Boundaries. Link: https://studentaffairs.stanford.edu/how-life-treeting-you-importance-of-boundaries (last visited: 09/07/2023).
University of Illinois Chicago (2022): Boundaries: What are they and how to create them. Link: https://wellnesscenter.uic.edu/news-stories/boundaries-what-are-they-and-how-to-create-them/ (last visited: 09/07/2023).
