Navigating the Daily Difficulties of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom: Practical Solutions for Success
About five years ago, I was pregnant with my first daughter and my husband and I had to figure out what to do with my job after she was born. We started looking at childcare options and the costs were outrageous and with no family around that would be able to watch our child, we decided it was best for me to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Coming from Germany, where we get up to 3 years of maternity leave, I had always wanted to be home with my child for the first few years, which made the decision fairly easy.
So there I was, excited to be a stay-at-home mom, looking forward to spending all day with my baby, meeting other moms for playdates and just enjoying this phase of my life. Sounds great, right?! Oh, was I wrong. I had no idea how challenging it would be, to be at home caring for my daughter all day (and night).
I have now been a stay-at-home mom for almost five years and I have learned a lot along the way. By no means, do I have it all figured out. There are many days that I still struggle. But I have learned what helps me stay sane and happy and enjoy this special time with my kids.
In sharing my experience, struggles, as well as tips and tricks about what I do to face those challenges, I hope for other moms out there to feel seen, supported and find inspiration to work on their own happiness as a SAHM.
Feeling alone
Feeling alone is one of the most difficult things I struggle with. Which may be confusing, considering the fact that you are never alone, because your child is with you 24/7. But there are many days, where I miss the adult interactions I used to have at work. Don’t get me wrong, I have interactions and conversations with my four and two year old all day long. They quite literally never stop talking (you moms out there with toddlers know what I am talking about). But that surely is not the same as having adult conversations.
What I have found helps with the feeling of being alone is making sure you talk to at least one grown up during the day. This doesn’t have to be in person. Many days it’ll just be me and a friend sending memes back and forth to each other, complaining about how tired we are and comparing whose house is messier. Some days, it’ll be a phone call, other days it will be an actual playdate or coffee date. My point is to find some way of getting in some adult interactions. Ideally, you know someone who is a SAHM as well and understands your struggles.
Never being alone
Yeah, you read that right. While days may feel lonely (due to the lack adult interaction), fact is you are never alone. Anyone with babies and toddlers out there, who remembers when they went to the bathroom by themselves for the last time? I surely don’t. It can feel very overwhelming when you’re never by yourself. Especially, when you have a baby or toddler who still needs lots of attention, you may feel very exhausted and physically touched-out at the end of the day.
It took me a while to figure out how to get a break throughout the day. I used to think I have to get all the things done during nap time. Dishes, clean up, laundry, shopping lists, dinner preps…If I wasn’t productive during nap time, I would feel completely guilty and had that inner voice telling me that ‘I should be doing this and that’. Eventually, I was so run down every day, that I realized something needed to change. Now I take 30 minutes to myself as soon as my toddler is down for his nap. If your child doesn’t nap anymore, consider implementing quiet time. During nap, I will sometimes sit down with some coffee and read, other times I will just aimlessly scroll through social media and watch TV or enjoy sitting outside in the sun. Whatever brings you joy, do it! Having this little break in the middle of the day is so refreshing and gives you energy to tackle the rest of the day. And if your child decides to wake up early from nap and you don’t get the dishes done? So be it, they will still be there later, waiting for you (unfortunately). If you can’t get some alone time in during the day try to fit it in at a different time. Maybe after your partner gets home from work you can get away for a little and do something you enjoy or just sit and breathe. Most important is that you get the chance to be just you, not mom, at least for a little while each day.
Trying to do it all
I used to think being a stay-at-home mom means that you have to do it all. Make sure your children are fed, happy and provided with educational activities as well as staying on top of laundry and dishes and cooking dinners and keeping your house squeaky clean at all times, the list just never ends. It took me a long time, but I finally learned that I had to change my mindset if I wanted to not drown under everything. Us SAHMs are not responsible for everything, just because we are home all day. Our main job is to care for our children. That is more than a full-time job in itself. Everything else is a family responsibility.
So after I finally realized that, I spoke to my husband and we made a plan on how to divide chores better. To be fair, he never asked me to do it all, I, myself had put that burden on me. It took a while to figure out what works best and what our expectations are off each other when it comes to chores. But I can now say that we are in a very good place and everyone does their fair share. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect, but with constructive and open communication you can make sure you’re not drowning yourself in your own expectations. I also want to mention that sharing responsibilities isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes my husband has a hard day at work, so I will pick up more. Other days, I am not feeling great and he will do more. As long as you’re communicating what you need you will be fine.
Lack of Structure
When you’re in the workforce, your day is usually pretty structured around your working hours. As a stay-at-home mom, with no fixed hours and mostly children dictating your day, finding structure in your daily life can be very difficult at first. I am one of those people who needs structure in their life. I am okay being flexible and not having every single day planned out. But I thrive having some structure. If you’re anything like me, try these tips to help you find structure in your daily life and make the best out of each day:
Get dressed and ready for the day.
Now you have probably heard many moms talk about 'getting ready before the children get up’. If you can do that, great! Do it! Every day, get up a little bit before your kids, get dressed, have a cup of coffee in peace, do whatever helps you get your day started. If you’re like me, someone who needs every minute of sleep they can get and not a morning person at all, don’t force yourself to wake up before your child. What has been working for me is to get up at the same time as my kids and we all instantly get dressed and ready for the day. If you’re kids aren’t starving in the mornings, let them take a book to the bathroom to read while you shower. Or consider taking your shower in the evenings. Most important is that you get ready for the day. Trust me, it will make your entire day better.
Plan your day.
This doesn’t have to be a detailed, perfectly timed schedule. Just have a general idea of what the day is going to look like. You could either do this the night before or in the morning, when you have that alone time before the kids wake up. Include a to do list, any appointments or activities as well as meal ideas in your plan and do not forget to schedule a break for yourself too!
Have set lunch, snack and dinner times and eat with your children.
I understand that you cannot always plan your meal times out exactly but having somewhat set mealtimes not only provides structure to you and your children’s day, it also ensures that you are feeding yourself. Us moms need to make sure we refuel to keep up with that crazy kid energy.
Get out at least once a day.
Getting out once a day is a non-negotiable in my daily schedule. This has to happen. It provides a change of scenery and often gets me in contact with other adults. Getting out doesn’t mean you have to have activities planned. It can be as simple as a short walk with your kids, a playground visit, a quick store run by yourself in the evenings, a car-ride, going out to grab a coffee, whatever it is that gets you out.
Following these tips will help you feel more in control of your day and generally just make you feel better. Look out for my post about ‘A day in my life’ coming soon, if you want to see a more detailed daily schedule of a stay-at-home mom. It will also include a nice freebie!
Dealing with other peoples opinions
Usually one of the first questions I get asked when meeting other moms and even people in general is ‘what do you do for work?’. To which I used to answer ‘I am JUST staying home with the kids at the moment’ followed by a lengthy explanation and justification about why I am choosing to stay home and not returning to work. But you know what!? You aren’t JUST staying home with your children. There shouldn’t be a JUST in this sentence. Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job. It may be one of the hardest ones. It for sure is the hardest job I have ever done. So next time someone asks about your work situation, stand up for yourself and be proud that you are doing one of the hardest and most important jobs in this world. Don’t let other peoples opinions become your own and wreck your self-confidence. You should never feel like you have to justify why you chose to stay home and raise your children. This leads my to my next point.
Feeling guilty
What I mean by that is, that many people believe being a stay-at-home mom is some kind of vacation and that we have this easy life, with no work pressure and nothing to worry about. And with that believe comes the opinion that SAHMs have nothing to complain about and that we should just be appreciative.
For the first few years of my motherhood journey I had completely internalized this opinion, because I had heard so many times how lucky I was that I got to stay home. Until eventually, I realized what a tough job I was doing. And yes, I am beyond grateful that I get the chance to be at home with my children. I love it so much, I wouldn’t change it. But that doesn’t mean its easy. It is for sure no vacation and every SAHM has the right to struggle and have challenges and we are definitely allowed to complain about it.
No mom should ever feel guilty for sharing her struggles. And this applies to all moms, stay-at-home moms, working moms, single moms, whatever your situation is, raising children is freaking hard and by sharing our struggles, we can support each other and make sure no mom ever feels like she is the only one facing challenges. Always remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
